W.C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.

- W.C. Fields