Steven Wright - I Have a Pony

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright - Standup Comedy Routine
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright - Standup Comedy Routine
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Steven Wright
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
Steven Wright
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright - Standup Comedy Routine
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

- Steven Wright - I Have a Pony