Robert Benchley

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

Streets full of water; please advise.

Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

- Robert Benchley