Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx - "Duck Soup" 1934
Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
Groucho Marx - A Day at the Races - 1936
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

Politics doesn?t make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

- Groucho Marx