George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin - George Carlin: You Are All Diseased
Hobbies cost money but interests are free.
George Carlin - From his book - Brain Droppings
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
George Carlin - Napalm and Silly Putty
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin - You Are All Diseased
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done."

Keep thy religion to thyself.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

- George Carlin