Fred Allen

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Do we really deserve top billing?

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
Fred Allen - in a letter to Groucho Marx, 1953
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

- Fred Allen