Fran Lebowitz

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My favorite animal is steak.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Favorite animal: steak.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Fran Lebowitz - Metropolitan Life, 1978
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

My favorite animal is steak.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz - Social Studies (1981)
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Nothing succeeds like address.

- Fran Lebowitz